Thursday, December 25, 2008

In the Name of the King

Just wow. I feel like there are no words for this atrocity. Please, please, do not waste even a second of your life on this movie.

Most people who know me are aware of my unreasonable and potentially unhealthy obsession with Jason Statham. I acknowledge that he is not the greatest actor ever, but you have to admit that he is good - he just doesn't always pick the best movies. Anyway, I don't like him because of his acting, I like him because he's eye candy. Anyway, I will generally watch anything he's in repeatedly, regardless of the quality of the film. I think that The Bank Job, Crank and Transporter 2 are all good movies, and I will be the first one to say that Transporter 3 was not a good movie, but I'll gladly watch it again and again and again anyway. I also hope that Santa is bringing me Death Race on DVD for Christmas tomorrow, and if he doesn't, I intend to buy it this weekend, and will watch it over and over as well, regardless of quality. I mean, look at him.

All of that said, tonight I have discovered a Jason Statham movie that even I can't seem to watch all the way through. In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (yes, that's right, folks, it's based on a video game), is potentially the worst thing I've ever seen. I made this decision about 10 minutes into the film, which is so not like me, but really? Jason Statham and the fact that I just now finished wrapping Christmas presents are the only things that have allowed me to keep this garbage on for the past 45 minutes. O.M.G. I could watch Jason Statham fight on screen all day long, but fighting with a ridiculous looking sword just isn't doing it. At all. At least in acknowledging that T3 was not a very good film, I can point to what was wrong with it (it tried to be too serious, instead of just giving in to the ridiculousness of the whole action movie thing, the way that the previous two Transporter movies did). Here, this Dungeon Siege thing, I guess it can only be blamed on writing and directing. This is a decent cast - Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds, the guy from Scream, Jason Statham (obviously) - but I can't understand how none of them walked off the set while they were shooting this. Did no one realize how awful this whole thing was going to turn out? Ray Liotta, you did Goodfellas. And then you did this? I have to think that every single member of this cast knew better. No. Just no.

Wow. I'll say it again: please don't waste your time, even I couldn't waste any more of mine.

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